Matters Of The Heart

I've been trying too hard not to love you, but I love anyway - Boyzone

Oh yes, this comes from the lyrics of their song Love You Anyway. Most people would agree or identify with this statement at least once in their life. We try so hard not to like that other person across the room or next to us, but that feeling is so hard to ignore and thrown aside. Everything is made harder by seeing that 'someone' nearly everyday, either in school, work or anywhere we play.

You always wonder each morning if that 'someone' will be there when you reach your work place or college. If he will make eye contact with you for that day and greet you with that smile of his that seems to melt your heart. If perhaps for once in your life you would be brave enough to actually go up to him and say hello and make a decent conversation. Or just to chat with him if you already know him.

And you can't help but to have that fleeting thought of jealousy when he approaches the opposite gender who is more attractive than you. Hoping and wishing of course that your 'someone' will not fall in love or into a relationship with that pretty girl or that hot chick. Yes, everyone has been there and done that and for a number of people, still there.

It's so hard just to make eye contact and smile at the person that we like, yet it is so easy to do it to strangers. Sometimes one is even mistaken for being cold and aloft when reacting to someone they like. It is not easy, this love 'thing'. Always praying that the other person might actually one day wake up and decide to see that you are so much better than the other girl.

The feeling of frustration eating into you day by day because you just can't seem to sum up your courage to admit your feelings to him. And beating up yourself mentally when you missed the opportunity to tell him your feelings. It is of course much easier to pretend that nothing is wrong with you. Pretend that you are just buddies and nothing more. Deep inside though, your feelings are yearning to be heard.

Why is it that you have not admitted? Could it be because of the fear of rejection? Or feeling afraid that the friendship that has been built would be broken? Or because we actually think so lowly of ourselves and feel that we do not deserve him and nowhere near his status?

And worst of all, we all fall for guys that other or many girls like. Only we think that he is special and has the attributes of a great person that only we can see, at the beginning. But once our feelings have actually developed for him, we realize that...uh-oh...we are definitely not the only one. Why, oh, why were we so blind and did not see this coming?

When he glances at you or gives you that smile or avoiding your gaze, you wonder that what he actually thinks of you. Or if he is even thinking of you. And trying hard to read or understand his actions and the way he reacts to you or around you. If he is cold-shouldering you because he has feelings for you or dislikes you. Women, just like men would pay dearly or a lot just to read what is going through the minds of men.

Until then, we just have to play the guessing game with a little hope. Matters of the heart is never easy and predictable. All we can do is pray that when the day comes, our heart will not be broken into a million tiny pieces.

With love,
MaeQ