Green Eyed, Hidden Monster.

No, I am not talking about the Hulk. Hulk could be seen from miles away. This green monster that I am talking about is J-E-A-L-O-U-S-Y. Yes...sounds familiar? We all have it in us. It is impossible to not have such feelings as it is constantly present around us.

     I, will be the last one on Earth, okay maybe one of the millions of last ones, to admit that I have the green eyed monster in me. It is after all a terrible thing to admit. But sitting down the other day, a thought just came to me. Why do I have the huge urge to succeed in my life? Why do I want to be so successful as to earn big money, buy awesome cars, get a rich husband, be known to people and to migrate to an European country?

     Then, one word came to mind, after years of asking myself and being asked by people; JEALOUSY. Yes, when I look at rich and famous people, I get jealous. So jealous that it has molded me into who I am today. That is, a person who wants what she wants and will not take no for an answer. So highly competitive that I can't stand to be second place or third place because I get jealous of the 1st place winner.

     It is so weird to have this relevation because for years I could not, for the life of me, guess why was I such a driven person. Ambitions placed high. It was simple in the end, I was jealous. I did not like the feeling of being looked down upon by people. When I was young, I was looked down by my classmates back in the all girls school. But if there were any rich girls or pretty girls, they were loved regardless of their behaviour.

     With all this blatant display of preferential treatment, I guess it got into my little head that if I were rich and famous all of them would love me and never look down on me again. Since I was overweight, not very pretty and not outgoing at that time, everyone made fun of me. But looking back, I feel greatful at those classmates of mine because I learnt a lot from them. I learnt that people can be harsh and not very nice when they want to be.

     I learnt that I would never ever let myself be put down in that regard by anyone ever. I learnt that I never have to take shit from anyone if I don't ever want to. And from here I decided that I would never let anyone look down upon me again because I can achieve anything I want to. Why? Because I CAN.

     However, over the years, realising my potential, that is I can achieve anything I want, I changed. I envied others when they did good because I knew that I could be as good as them too. My competitive spirit came from the fact that I was jealous of other's achievements. I tried curbing it but found it too hard to do so. And of course, I never admitted that I was a jealous infested person.

     Not to say that this jealousy has been really bad for me. But all I can say is that it also helped me a little along the way. I would not pushed myself hard enough and fulfil my potential without jealousy. I would not have achieved the things I achieved today without jealousy to push me.

     All I can say that jealousy is a powerful emotion that can harm you, or help you. As long as you contain it and chanel it properly it will be - I can't believe I'm going to say this - fruitful.

Jealous Much,
MaeQ